SURPRISED BY THOUGHTS UNSPOKEN, SPOKE AT LAST

When I told my mother that Steve had converted to Mormonism, it was as an aside that might give her a connection to him that wasn't there before. But instead I caught a peek of what she thinks about me.

I've told myself that my mother must not mind where I'm at these days because she doesn't hassle me with religion. I assumed this because she'd not very good holding her peace or letting things go. (Nor am I for that matter.) So she said, "Isn't that funny. He goes to church now & you don't." Followed immediately by, "Does he know you don't?" When I said he did, she said with what I imagined as tinges of amazement, "& he's still coming?" As if I'd become less human, or despicable by changing my beliefs.


SINCERE MISUNDERSTANDINGS

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost." -Moroni 10:4

& that's the problem dealing with both my family & Melina's. The idea of a principled withdrawal from "the Church" is a foreign notion. Our lapse of belief must be caused by folly, error, or weakness of the flesh. Mormons in general believe so wholeheartedly in the Truth of their religion that not receiving an affirmative answer to Moroni's challenge (above) is seen not as God's failing, but as the person who goes answerless or receives an answer contrary to Mormon beliefs.

I can understand this, but it is very discouraging to know that I am looked at in this way by my mother. Not that religion is the only area of off-limits conversation. There's really little we can talk about. Once an opinion takes root in my mother, I doubt anything could shake it. & for the most part I disagree with about everything she believes. & when we do agree, it is almost never for the same reasons.


THE PAST COMES CALLING

I'd probably have let this all go, but this morning I received a call that put me in a sad mood.

Last night, coming home with Melina after she splurged on clothes (good for her!), I saw two "sister" missionaries get on our bus. I wondered if they were on their way to our home, since they were definitely Lauttasaari-bound. But they got off near the Myllylä's home (Harri being the Bishop of the local ward), which I took for their destination. But their appearance was a foreshadowing of the morrow.

This morning Sister Olson (the one of the pair whose nametag I'd read the night before) calls me asking if they could visit us next week. My abrupt "No" left her sounding deflated and discouraged. I could hear her Utah accent signal disappointment. I apologized briefly, but affirmed my "no" before hanging up.

I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. I hated disappointing her. God knows they face rejection everyday, behind nearly every door they knock on & I was sorry I contributed to her portion today. But I don't want to be bothered by them. There is nothing they can say that will make me see the error of my ways. My choices were made deliberately. I listened to my heart & mind. It would waste everyone's time to sit as strangers discussing things so personal (he says, not missing the irony of the context in which these words are offered). Not to mention that discussion and words mean nothing in the search for god & enlightenment.


RELIGIOUS POT LUCK

"I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot.
So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth. " -Revelations 3:15-16

Hearing testimonies & what others think can spark in you feelings that make sense, but you need to bring something to the table. Not everyone is as lucky as Paul on his way to Damascus. But there, too, he brought his hatred & efforts to destroy the young church to the table.

I guess I'm getting spewed, cause I am lukewarm. I have somewhere my impressions of holy inspiration & I remember it as being quite good. I'll post it when I can find it. The upshot was that to doubt the inspiration of others undercuts the validatity of your own.

By the way, looking for that verse from Revelations turned up this Bible website that seems pretty killer. With Greek and glossary for every verse. My Greek is just good enough to get by with a little glossary help. I need some practice. (I just noticed the "How to witness to Mormons" link, completely unintended. I was looking at textual content only!)



SURPRISED BY WHAT'S DOWN THERE

So while I think I harbor little resentment against my Mormon upbringing, I've come to realize I don't want Matilda to ever become one. So, do I have more of a problem with it than I'll admit? Maybe. But I don't want her tangled up with any religion that demands you sacrifice so much in this life on the promise of rewards in the next. I just can't believe it's worth that. Two floors below us lives a 7th Day Adventist family who would be weird without their religious views. But they told Matilda once that "Rock music" was evil & you shouldn't listen to it. I reacted surprisingly fiercely to that. Matilda, too, saw the silliness of such strictures. I don't want her dancing to such narrow ideas.

Also, I do believe that Mormon girls' spirits are crushed as much as they are buoyed by their beliefs. How many intelligent, ambitious, girls give up everything to raise a family? Lots & lots. Maybe it matters & maybe it doesn't, but it's up to the individual to decide that. Those that push on through & choose to pursue a career face subtle condemnation. Matilda's cousin Samuel just turned twelve & Matilda knows he "got the priesthood", even if she doesn't know what that means. She knows it is important, marking a major life step in the religion. Innocently, she made a logical conclusion saying about Samuel's fourteen year old sister, "Amalia already has the priesthood." She was surprised to find out Amalia could never have it.

These things are Mormon specific, because that is where my experience comes from, but they illustrate the problems of all organized religion. How the individual relates to church & God is completely up to the person's own heart. Mine is just too rigid. (The perfectionist in me peeks through, thouh I bet you didn't think he was there.)

In my heart- well, later...

Love is all it takes.