Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Outside my office window brilliant clouds drift through frozen blue. Our silent journeys mingle until I can't tell where I end and they begin.

Friday, January 14, 2005

It's tough watching my family's lives disrupted. That's how I think of it, too. I don't see the disruption in my own life; I didn't feel more than longing for my family when I first returned to Maryland; Where are my feelings?

Partly, I'm used to constant uprooting. My personal history is replete with disruption. At seven my mother moved us to Oulu and then back to American Fork a year later; At twelve I moved to Arlington, Virginia; And since fifteen I've yo-yoed back and forth between Helsinki. (This doesn't even consider numerous smaller within area moves that also forced me to leave friends behind.) This unsettled existence has given me a fractured sense of locality and human relationships. I shrug my shoulders and resign myself to the inevitable.

Of course, none of this was inevitable. Everything happening now results directly from my choices. In the strictest sense, there was no reason to return to America. I strung a hodge-podge of reasons together and created a coherent narrative of why returning was for the best. Now, caught up mid-move, I doubt the story I told myself. It doesn't help that the choice was entirely mine and I feel guilty that my wants have led to such difficulty for my wife and children.

And now what? I like my work better. The company is almost everything I wanted. I feel better about my chances. I'm sure when spring rolls around I'll feel wild about the weather. We'll all feel better when everyone settles into new roles and creates a coherent place for themselves. But I can't help missing what's left behind. Friends. A life.

Here friends open their arms to welcome us, even as those in Helsinki wave goodbye. In my dreams, my friends gather and we forge a common life. We have a common life already, but the scope of it is too great for me. But sometimes the beauty of everything and everyone pierces me to the core. I see wispy tendrils of connection weaving the whole world together and I feel only love. I wish those times would stay.