I felt an unrestrainable need to respond to some of what you posted. And as I can't restrain, I won't.
“So she said, "Isn't that funny. He goes to church now & you don't." Followed immediately by, "Does he know you don't?" When I said he did, she said with what I imagined as tinges of amazement, "& he's still coming?" As if I'd become less human, or despicable by changing my beliefs.”
I was not there, but they way it is written there are many different readings. For instance, it could be read that she believes you were instrumental in my joining the church and now that you left, it is shocking that I would go (the way you see a woman convert and then leace when thy get engaged to their Mormon boyfriend who later jilts them). Alternatively, it could mean that as brilliant as you are as, she is amazed that anyone would disagree with you :-)
“The idea of a principled withdrawal from "the Church" is a foreign notion.”
As you pointed out, the scriptures (such as Moroni 10:4) essentially say that if you are an honest seeker of truth, you would reach the same conclusion as any Mormon and stay part of the church. Thus, one who believes the BOM has little choice, but to question a withdrawal of the church. I fully know that the logic I used is analogous to the “Jesus loves me this I know, because the good book tells me so” logical fallacy, but to a believer who has already presumed the truth of the beliefs as an axiom, this logic makes sense.
“Mormons in general believe so wholeheartedly in the Truth of their religion”
With the exception of a few wishy-washy individuals like myself who are somewhat scared of the faith they feel, and thus seek to constantly question it and themselves.
“I hated disappointing her. God knows they face rejection everyday, behind nearly every door they knock on & I was sorry I contributed to her portion today.”
Random question: Did you hate disappointing her more than you would have hated disappointing an encyclopedia saleman that had called? If, so why?
“I am lukewarm”
I am lukewarm. I am a lukewarm person.
By the way I think it is cool that you still think about religious issues. I think people should periodically assess all their beliefs and things they hold as true even if those beliefs are a lack of belief.
“But I don't want her tangled up with any religion that demands you sacrifice so much in this life on the promise of rewards in the next.”
I understand this urge. My father did not wish me to be an alcoholic, join the army, or become an accountant as he wished better for me than the “mistakes” he made. There is a bit of sacrifice in many religions, but it is not just a taking away. Religion and faith are very important for people to have and I for one would not wish my children to be devoid of them regardless of what it was in. There are people I know who make belief in God, the divine, and an afterlife, the substrate upon which the build their lives. It has enriches their lives more than anything else could. With all honesty, I would gladly give up everything I have merely for the opportunity of knowing with a 100% surety that God and an afterworld exist. I’d give it up just for the knowledge and not for what any change in my ultimate fate. The life of the zealot is a great life indeed for it in infused with a sense of purpose, faith, and a belief in something greater than self (some how this seems slightly different than just fate).
I could probably try to come up with some profound tie about how you don’t want Matilda to join the church comes from the same source as you mothers wish that you would rejoin the church. However, you can probably come up with this link already. Whether the juxtaposition of yourself in her place, leads to a fuller understanding of your mother and her wants for you I suppose is a question you no doubt have already answered.
About the “demanding so much “ paragraph, I wanted to find a quote By Joseph Smith which is something to the effect of “a religion that does not demand everything of its believers cannot inspire adequate faith for…”. Sadly I can’t remember or find it. But it is quite a thought.
So should I not ask you for a ride to church Sunday ;-)
“girls give up everything to raise a family”
I suspect many get a sense of meaning from this “spirit crushing” activity. Perhaps more since they are part of a faith that focuses and praises such action.
I love your description of Owen. Without meeting him, I feel I know what he looks like. Ok I guess I have also seen a couple pictures of him, but it really was a great description. That is also a cute description of him with the shaving episode. It is nice to have someone smile at you when you get home. That is why I always go to Walmart (a block from home), before going home. That way I get to talk to greeter. I don’t get that at home (Dave and I have very different schedules).
Matilda sounds precocious (I just wanted to use that word).
It is amazing how a sight or smell can water long dormant seeds of thought. The way you felt about the Pakastani heart breaker is something I occasionally deal with. 4 of the women I have loved most, I am still friends with and every once in a while a long ago feeling will rise to the surface.
“Drunks' faces have very intimate relationships with pavement. They seem irresistibly attracted to each other. I often look at the drunks”
Nice passage. It is very reminiscent of how Steinbeck portrayed a drunk in a book I just read. I have always been interested in the mythical drunk. They inhabit a story land and I have often heard tell of such creatures even living amongst us, but I do not see them. As I drive from Fair Oaks to Fair Lakes I think I catch a glimpse of one before he darts away. Of the people I have known, not one is a drunk. Even my father who was an inveterate alcoholic was not a drunk. Where do they come from. Do they sprout from the ground where once dragon teeth had been sown?
“Is it possible to interact with the world in a healthy way?”
Yes. I know some who do. I even feel that I do. I interact with the world as a rafter interacts with the water. I pass through it on a nice, serene journey. Others with more passion and spirit than I, eat the marrow from the bones of life. This too is healthy.
By the way, I do hide and shelter myself, and choose to experience the part of the world I like. Yet it is a conscious choice and suits me well (in so far as I like my life and seem more content than most). As far as what you said about the blog, I still hide in that. Things of great import often don’t show up while the mundane appears instead. I don’t post about relationships and girls I date (at least not much). I don’t post about some of my big hopes and dreams. I don’t post about religion or politics much. I have talked about church but am not sure I have ever used the word Mormon though of course those who are initiated and thus accepting surely know I am one. I to some extend hide my love of math and science as I wish not to bore others to tears.
